Spoiler Alert:

I shall be opening up Insidious: The Last Key, turning it over and unlocking its secrets to test if it’s the right one or totally lost. So read on only if you’ve already seen The Last Key, or don’t plan to.

Watch INSIDIOUS: THE LAST KEY here

Insidious The Last Key 29 Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — When you’re scarier looking than the ghost

0:01:36

Five Keys New Mexico 1953
Dewbend State Penitentiary

I’ve never been to the state of Dewbend…unless it’s followed by ‘Over’.

0:02:49

Insidious The Last Key 02 SC A model prisoner Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — A ‘model’ prisoner

0:03:02

They’re frying someone, Pop! [To the ceiling] You’re on the Hades Express, mister!

In a home so close to the penitentiary that they could have the same bars, little Christian Rainier (Pierce Pope) understands that lights flickering in the house means the electricity is being used to execute someone on the electric chair in the prison. The inmate’s goose is as cooked as the boy’s dinner.

[EXCLUSIVE🐣: For the duration of this scene, Gerald Rainier (Josh Stewart) is watching a series of shows and adverts on the telly concerning the actions to take if there’s an atomic bomb explosion. This is important because it explains why there is a fallout shelter in the cellar, which has become a hotel for evil.]

0:03:09

He just died. His name was Wayne Fisher. He was 32 years old and he killed a lady with a hammer. He had ribeye for his last meal. He’s been on death row at Dewbend for three years. And his last words were, “Go to hell.”

Young Elise Rainier (Ava Kolker) describes the scene in detail because she sees it in her head. In 30 years, she will grow up to be Old Elise Rainier, the central character of this film.

0:04:15 Elise’s mum (Tessa Ferrer as Audrey Rainier) begins to scold her daughter until she realises that Elise didn’t make the mess in the room, but the ghost of a little boy did. What makes me laugh is the mess the ghost made looks like my flat when it’s clean.

Insidious The Last Key 03 SC Don't bring yourself down to her level Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — Don’t bring yourself down to her level

0:05:21 Young Christian is afraid of the dark, so his mum’s given him a whistle to use when he’s scared. This solution blows.

0:06:52 In a totally unsurprising turn of events, Elise is in the lower bunk talking to her brother, whom she believes to be in the upper bunk because of how much the director focuses on the creaking frame. But this goes on so long it’s obviously a red herring and, sure enough, when Elise pokes her head up she sees Christian asleep in a chair. She’s being ghosted.

0:07:40 Jump scare #1

0:09:03 Jump scare #2

Insidious The Last Key 04 SC Budget cuts hit The Lion King musical Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — Budget cuts hit the Lion King musical

0:10:04 Elise’s dad runs into the kids’ room because of all the jump scares. He beats Elise with a stick for seeing ghosts and then locks her in the cellar — i.e. the ghost hotel — for more jump scares.

[N.B. FWIW Ava Kolker (Young Elise) may be the best actress in this whole film. Her performance as a scared child being locked in the cellar is stellar.]

0:13:06 The ghost voice of a child tells Elise to open a foreboding door in the cellar

Insidious The Last Key 05 SC The lock-up is on lock-down Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — The lock-up is on lock-down

0:13:58

Insidious The Last Key 06 SC Ain't no cure like a manicure Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — Ain’t no cure like a manicure

0:15:31 Eloise opens the door to hell and for some reason the electrical cords want to kill her mum. Shocking, I know.

Insidious The Last Key 07 GIF Mom is always hanging around Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — Mum is always hanging around

0:16:12 California 2010… Old Elise (Lin Shaye) wakes up from the nightmare that is the film intro, but we can’t.

[N.B. I’m not saying Lin Shaye doesn’t merit a film to herself, but I will point out her older brother, Bob Shaye is James Wan‘s boss. Who is Wan? The director of the first two Insidious films and where Lin first appeared.]

0:17:16 She talks to her dog, Warren, because he’s the only one who can’t laugh at her.

[EXCLUSIVE🐣: The dog is named after famous ghost hunters Ed and Lorraine Warren (think The Conjuring and Annabelle).]

0:19:32 Elise gets a call from a Mr. Garza who asks her for help with his ghosts. When he gives her his address, however, she realises it’s her childhood home and she immediately turns him down; just one more person who’s ghosted him.

0:19:44

Insidious The Last Key 08 SC Grandma got back Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — Grandma got back

0:21:16 Elise changes her mind because the plot needs advancing, but she tells her goofy, comic relief sidekicks (Angus Sampson and Leigh Whannell as Tucker and Specs, respectively) that this one — wait for it — she must do alone.

0:22:16 The boys pick her up in a rented ghost lorry because this film — here it comes — is just like all the other ones.

0:23:15

Insidious The Last Key 09 SC The big house (and the little one) Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — The big house (and the little one)

0:24:34

Tucker: She’s psychic. We’re sidekick.

Elise introduces herself and her boobs to Ted Garza (Kirk Acevedo), the current owner of the house. This joke is meant to be unfunny and is too successful.

0:25:08

Elise: You still have so much of our old stuff.
Garza: It was all here. Pretty good stuff, you know? I didn’t see any reason to get rid of it.

WTF!? What kind of realtor sells a house 60 years later and doesn’t clean the pace up or remove the decrepit furniture? What was the agency called, Century 15? And what sort of man buys a house like that? He doesn’t need a medium, he needs a maid and a big fire. Also, if the ‘stuff’ is so ‘pretty good’, why doesn’t he remove the plastic from it? WTF all over the place.

0:26:41 Jump scare #3

0:31:14 Elise decides to stay in her old haunted bedroom alone that night and she finds her little brother’s whistle, lost so many years ago. Not surprising, considering the beds are still made up from 60 years ago. Hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a fossilised unflushed turd from 60 years ago sitting at the bottom of an unwashed toilet bowl. 🚽💩

0:35:42 Jump scare #4 Elise explores the dark house alone and the spirit of a woman grabs her from behind, stands the whistle and screams “Help her!”, possibly in relation to Ms. Shey’s career after this film.

Insidious The Last Key 10 GIF Eliser gets her face lifted Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — Choking the chicken

0:36:14

Garza: What were you doing in there? I thought you were going to stay in the bedroom.
Elise: Something led me down there, the spirit of a woman. I don’t know why she said “Help her,” but it’s a ghost I’ve seen before…in this house. When I was sixteen years old.

Must’ve been a ghost because it sure wasn’t a maid.

0:37:12 In a flashback to when Elise was 16 (Hana Hayes), her and Christian (Thomas Robie) are cleaning the floors when Elise hears a ghost in a nearby room. She goes to investigate and finds the same female ghost as the one who attacked her at 35:42. Seems as though it’s not just the furniture they don’t get rid of.

0:37:52 Upon hearing the commotion, the father investigates the room and, finding nothing, decides to punish Elise again…for the Hell of it.

0:38:44 Before he can hurt her, she places her hands on his head and he has visions of having a heart attack in the near future. She takes advantage of the distraction to run away from home, leaving her brother to his not-so-bad life with a father who doesn’t beat him like he beat her.

Insidious The Last Key 11 SC Elise ghosts her fam Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — Elise ghosts her fam

0:39:34 While at a local dinner, Elise ogles two young blonde girls more than Hap ‘n’ Stance.

Insidious The Last Key 12 SC Two-faced Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — Two faced

0:41:04 Of course the two young ladies are Elise’s nieces, her brother Christian’s daughters, but we knew this even before Elise and we’re not even psychic.

0:42:12 Old Christian (Bruce Davison) berates Elise for abandoning him to his not-so-bad life with his father that we never saw treat him badly.

0:44:28 That evening, the script decides to introduce a major plot point midway through the story because this is the fourth film in the franchise and no one cares anymore. Elise suddenly remembers a red door in the basement as being important for the ghosts, but she doesn’t say if she wants to Paint It Black.

0:45:31 Using a microphone attached to a spaghetti colander, Elise calls out to the ghost who stole her whistle the previous evening.

Elise: Why did you say, ‘Help her’? Help who?

Maybe your English teacher. [“Help whom“]

0:47:07 Following the sound of the whistle, Scraps and Elise enter the cellar and find did that has been down there for 30 years. This is scarier than any ghost they can come up with…

Insidious The Last Key 13 SC I'd tell you what these are, but I don't know beans Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — I’d tell you what these are, but I don’t know beans

0:48:52 Elise and the ghost have a conversation where Elise asks questions and the ghost answers with whistle blows. In this manner, Elise learns the thing the ghost wants to show her is behind a secret wall. Elise should be very careful, it might be more of that food.

0:52:34 Jump scare #5

0:52:50 The figure we were led to believe was a ghost living in the walled-up room turns out to be a human female (Amanda Jaros as Mara Jennings) and we wonder why she didn’t say anything when Elise first entered the room but instead just chilled out in her corner of the world. WTF!?

0:53:08 Spencer says he’ll get something to break the woman’s chains but then Ted Garza shows up with a gun and says the only thing Tucker will break is wind.

0:53:42 Garza rants like a psychopath and he must be off his meds because he didn’t behave this way at all at the beginning. WTF!? Basically, he’s saying, “I paid you to get rid of the ghosts. Getting rid of the victims is my job.”

0:55:34 Garza locks the whole group in the secret room and goes after Specs, who bravely decides not to call 911 but to play Hide-and-Go-Seek with the killer instead.

0:55:42 Jump scare #6

0:56:11 Specs kills Garza by pushing over a bookshelf into his skull. Talk about dropping knowledge on someone…

0:57:17

Insidious The Last Key 14 SC Ghosts use Windows Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — Ghosts use Windows

0:58:00 WTF!? Christian decides to go to the scene of the crime and start looking for his whistle!? And decides to take both of his daughters with him?

Insidious The Last Key 15 SC The tape reinds me of the film because it's a crime seen Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — The tape reminds me of this film because it’s a crime seen

0:58:24

Insidious The Last Key 16 GIF MFW people tell me they talk to ghodts for a living Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — MFW people tell me they talk to ghosts for a living

0:59:09 Jump scare #7

Insidious The Last Key 17 GIF That's one deep throat Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — Open up and say “Auuugh!”

0:59:52 A ghost using her dad’s voice lures Melissa down into the basement. This is the only time in the film a ghost does ventriloquism, so I call WTF.

1:01:18 She descends into the unlit cellar and it’s obvious from the get-go that her father isn’t there, but instead of going back upstairs or switching on a light, she decides to explore the basement in the dark. WTF!? What she thinks is a key ring is a hand with key fingers that attacks her as she checks to see if her dad is under a cloth on the workbench.

Insidious The Last Key 18 SC Skeleton Keys Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — Skeleton keys

1:02:08

Insidious The Last Key 19 GIF Monsters keep abreast of the situation Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — Monsters keep abreast of the situation

1:02:24 The creature Elise released into the cellar as a child [see 15:31] turns a key in Melissa’s throat and she can no longer speak. I need a key like that for when I see my family.

Insidious The Last Key 20 GIF The key of Be Flat Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — The key of Be Flat

1:03:14 Everyone finds Melissa in chains in the secret room and she’s either catatonic or fallen asleep from watching this film. 😴

1:04:41 In front of the house, after another crime takes place, the police no longer worry about taping off the building and calling it a crime scene. Two wrongs don’t make a crime scene, I guess. Imogen (Christian’s daughter, Melissa’s older sister) confesses to her auntie Elise that she can see things as well. They make plans to set up in the house and kill the entity that evening. They have a ghost of a chance.

1:08:51 Elise finds an old slip on an air vent and when she holds it, it tells her that it belonged to a woman who was held captive in the fallout shelter by her father and that the woman escaped using a rusty nail to open the manacle then ran upstairs and hid in a bathroom where young Elise found her but then her father said there was no one in the room and then the slip somehow sees Elise running away from home [WTF!?] before Gerald eventually finds his way back to the bathroom where he locked her in (without a nail, evidently) and he beats her to death. That is one talkative slip, by God.

1:09:06

Elise: My father did the exact same thing Garza did.

Elsie realises the ‘ghost’ she saw in the flashback at 37:12 wasnt a ghost but a real woman. Honestly, it was so obviously a real woman I didn’t even know Elise thought it was a ghost until just now. It’s a pretty shite psychic who can’t tell the difference between a spirit and a human body.

1:10:32 A thread that is roughly 20 metres long connects the slip to a suitcase in the air vent. In another display of not psychic, Elise and Tucker are just now noticing the string. WTF!?

1:11:28

Insidious The Last Key 21 SC Elton John's proctologists Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — Elton John’s proctologists

1:13:16 Elise crawls into the pipe and rummages through Anna’s suitcase (Anna being the victim who nearly escaped before Elise told her dad about her). She then finds a whole pile of suitcases hidden down there. Either her father had several victims or their sewer is the state’s #1 tourist destination.

1:14:56 😂 Sitting in the sewer and rifling through the bags, Elise constantly checks for jump scares behind the stack of luggage. It’s as though she’s seen this film before.

1:15:12 Jump scare #8

Insidious The Last Key 22 GIF Bag lady Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — Bag lady

1:16:14 The jump scares drags Elise into the nether world, where she meets herself as a little girl. She tells herself to be strong instead of telling herself to invest in Google in 1999.

1:16:28 Young Elise says her father only acts the way he does because he’s afraid of the man with the keys who can open all the doors. No reason is given as to why opening doors is so bad. Obviously, we can infer that it means letting entities escape the underworld and enter this one, though no example of that or its consequences are demonstrated here. It’s like vampires at midday, why should I fear something I’ve never seen?

1:19:36 Elise is trapped in the beyond world so Tucker sends Imogen in by hypnotising her. WTF!? Since when is hypnotism an astral travel agent?

1:22:34 In the other world, Imogen passes by Elise who is passed out on the sofa like London girl after midnight, but when Imogen goes through the red door, Elise is there too. Elise lurks the underworld like me on Jake Gyllenhaal’s Insta feed.

1:23:37 Imogen enters a sort of ghostly prison where she finds the spirit of her sister Melissa locked behind bars by the man with keys on his fingers. Honestly, this image doesn’t shock me as much as it makes me wonder how he wipes himself without shredding the toilet paper. Wait, maybe this is why the keys look so dirty…

1:25:12

Insidious The Last Key 23 SC When you're the Key Man but you fell like the Dorrman Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — When you’re the Key Man but you feel like the Doorman

1:25:20 Elise has a flashback of being beaten by her father but the flashback causes her harm (WTF!?) so she tries not to scream but when she does no one cares (WTF!?) and the entity we are meant to be afraid of gives her a stick to use on her dad so in fact he’s pretty helpful (WTF!?).

1:26:11 Elise begins beating the shite out of her father until Imogen stops her by calling out her name. Then Elise realises these men who captured, raped and killed young women are poor victims because the devil made them do it. WTF!? Bill Cosby wrote this script?

1:26:43

Insidious The Last Key 24 SC Going to the dogs Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — Going to the dogs

1:27:42 In a giant moment of WTF, Elise’s dad approaches the Key creature in the underworld and now is no longer an evil man for some reason, and he wants to attack the spirit. But the evil entity kills him even before he can raise his cane. I have no idea what the purpose of this scene is, because I’m sure it’s not to make the point that rapist / murderers are only innocent victims of bad Key monsters.

1:29:16 😆 Imogen somehow got the magic whistle (wherever was she keeping it?) and throws it to where Elise can’t reach it (the director is trying to insult the way women throw, I guess). The Key bloke attacks Elise and finally she gets her hand on the whistles and blows, which means now her mother can come out and fight the Key bloke. Yes, the whistle isn’t the only thing that blows in this film.

1:29:20 😂 Elise’s mum hits the creature with an old lantern and with one weak punch, it dies. How the hell did it get to live so long if it was this fragile?

1:29:58 🐣 While leading the group out of the Further, Elise opens a red door and see Dalton playing in a seen from the original Insidious. There is speculation on the IMDb Trivia Page that, Elise allows Lipstick Face to cross over by not closing the red door as she turns away from it.

1:30:32

Return to your body. Go!

Elise to spirit Melissa in the hospital

If you find yourself saying lines like these, perhaps you’re in the wrong film.

1:32:07

Imogen! Wake up!

Specs to Imogen, after she wakes up

Yes, well, it’s been that kind of movie.

1:33:34 Elise and Christian make up in what resembles a geriatric incest clench while the geeks discover the two hot blondes have been in love with them the whole time. This is why the film is called horror fantasy.

Insidious The Last Key 25 GIF Let's bump lips Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — Let’s bump lips

1:35:15 Just when you think the pain has ended and the film is over, there’s a flashback to Insidious (or maybe Insidious 2), with Rose Byrne and Patrick Wilson. WTF!? You can’t keep putting their names on the posters just because you continue to use old flashbacks! This is the third film of the franchise WITHOUT THEM IN IT! For God’s sake, please stop resuscitating them! They’re not zombies, let them move on to a better world with no Insidious sequels.

1:35:40 Jump scare #9

Insidious The Last Key 26 SC Boy, is my face red Watch The Film 123WTF Saint Pauly — “Boy, is my face red!”

1:36:24 Lorraine Lambert calls and says

My name is Lorraine. You helped my family a long time ago when my son was just a boy. And now the same thing is happening to my grandson.

Lorraine calls Elise to help with her grandson, Dalton — which is the story of the first Insidious. Thus The Last Key is a prequel and to blame for everything that comes after it.

Roll credits

Tally Ho’

WTF!?’s: 14 insidious ones
When to Follow: Only if you’re on a ‘suicide by Insidious overdose’ trip. If so, you might was well go chronological according to the story: Chapter 3, The Last Key, Chapter 1, Chapter 2
Where’s This Found: Easily the worst film of the franchise. The dependence on jump scares, the lack of anything resembling a cohesive story line and an ending that is nothing more than a connect-the-dots of WTFs which forms a ridiculous image that, fortunately, will not stay in our minds very long. Out of a possible 10, I have 3 F’s to give