WTF: Riddick (2013)

Riddick-ulous

Spoiler Alert:

I shall be examining Riddick in depth, eyeing all of its scenes, testing its vision and scoping out the lay of the landscapes to see if it’s worth looking into, or if we should turn a blind eye. Read on only if you have already seen Riddick, or don’t plan to.

Games of Throne Up

Is it just me, or does ‘Riddick’ sound like the name of a spray for transgender men?

0:00:15 This film is seriously over 2 hours long!? These 2 hours are going to last forever.

0:01:38 Riddick’s hand is sticking out of the dirt and he chokes his prehistoric chicken. Not a past-urbation joke. [Keep reading, the taste of that crack will leave your mouth eventually.]

0:02:51 Vin Diesel crawls around on his hands and knees looking for fresh water. For Vin, it should be easier than finding a film idea that isn’t a sequel.

“I told you not to fluuuuuusssssshhhhhh!!!!”

0:04:52 Alien wolves come at him so he hides at the bottom of a pool of smoking water which is occupied by alien fish eels. You ever have one of those millennia?

0:07:43 He’s changing the metal plates to reinforce his leg. Fortunately he’s a mechanic and not a doctor.

0:09:46 A scorpion that looks like Alien jumps from a pool of rancid water and eats a zebra dog. The special effects aren’t so bad.

0:10:56

There are bad days, and then there are legendary bad days.

There are bad lines and then there are…

0:12:36 He hides himself under a rock and flashes back to when some young ladies made him ‘Lord Marshall’ of the Necromongers and he doesn’t like it because he won’t tell us why.

“Let’s play Headless Horseman: you be the Horseman.”

0:13:35 Al K Hall #nudity alert [because I trade these mentions for ads on his über popular page]: full frontal of alien prostitutes lying in bed.

0:14:23

Prostitute: What is the best way to a man’s heart?

Riddick: Between the fourth and fifth rib.

Lol.

0:15:48 Yes, wow. They take themselves far too seriously. It’s not easy to be over dramatic when killing a man, yet this prostitute nails it (and not him).

0:16:18 Is that Bones from Star Trek? Why yes, yes it is. His other name’s Karl Urban.

Captain Emo

0:19:38 Vaako (Karl Urban) knows Furya (the planet Riddick comes from) because he destroyed it as a little Necrotoddler. There are no surviving maps but he agrees to lead Riddick there in exchange for ‘transcendence’, which probably means being written out of this film so he can go back to good science fiction.

0:20:38

Instead of Furya, we wind up some place called ‘not Furya’.

The name should’ve tipped him off.

0:21:44 Krone betrays Riddick by shooting the ground he’s on so the ledge collapses. Then Krone yells, “You keep what you kill” which makes absolutely no sense because 1) Krone doesn’t keep Riddick, who fell off the mountain to the valley far below and 2) who wants to keep a lot of dead things?

Ant Whisperer

0:23:34 Now the flashback is finished and we’re back to the beginning of the film.

0:27:38 Riddick sees a land of milk and honey across the valley so he makes himself immune to the alien fish poison, using a zebra dog dingo as a guinea pig.

0:33:12 Apparently time has elapsed (though not enough to let me feel we’re nearing the end) because Riddick is pulling a sled full of sundry possessions, and his puppy has grown into a full-sized bitch.

“Dingo! Where’s my baby!?”

0:38:37 In a valiant effort to end the film faster, Riddick steps into a prisoner scanner at an abandoned bounty hunter’s shack. Because he’s an escaped prisoner, a capsule is sent for him.

0:39:32 A team of heavily scarved men arrive to take Riddick back.

0:40:11

Leave one ship and go or die here.

Can’t be Riddick who wrote this, all the words are spelled correctly.

0:42:41 The nice, young, handsome lad released the female prisoner on the scruffy boss’s orders, but then the scruffy boss shot her while she was running away. They could’ve cut this scene and made the film 2 minutes better.

He’s a Twink-ee, complete with cream filling

0:44:22 The girl dies in front of Riddick, so I maintain my claim she could’ve been cut from the film. Unless Riddick still sleeps with her anyway.

0:44:35

Small world.

Funny stooge when a second spacecraft comes to land on the planet

0:46:32 A team of mixed nuts and one girl arrive in matching uniforms and get into a pissing contest with the rag tag (minus the tag) team.

0:52:04 Riddick’s dingo stole a remote sensor from Team Scruffy’s alert system so now they’re strategically blind. Apparently technology takes huge steps backwards in the future.

0:52:52 Six futuristic bear traps go missing while they’re searching for the most dangerous escapee in the universe and Living Dahl (Katee Sackhoff from Battle Star Galactica, for any geeks reading this) makes the assumption that someone sold them for scrap. I’m a better soldier than she is, and I’m a gay Englishman.

Bet you didn’t notice her thigh gun is pointed at your balls

0:54:06 One of the members of Team Scruffy, let’s call him Red Shirt, gets eaten by the trap.

0:56:31

One night, three dead.

The vacuum body bags are interesting. Body bag? No, #BodyCondom

0:59:01

I don’t fuck guys. Occasionally, I fuck them up if they need it.

Dahl

#LGBT

1:01:14 WTF!? Dahl can’t hit the dingo with a tracer using a sniper rifle when it’s close and stationary, but she can when it’s farther away and running and she’s using a scope? Maybe lesbians can only bag pussies and not bitches.

1:01:28 First misstep in special effects. The flying motorcycles look like something out of 1970s Saturday morning live action fare.

1:04:19

I just dropped some wood right there.

Startled member of Team Professional

WTF does that mean!?

1:04:34 Al K Hall #nudity alert. Dahl / Katee Sackhoff taking a shower.

1:07:31 Lol, Riddick sees the ship is missing a fuel cell, using a make-up mirror he stole from Dahl. The make-up was nearly gone, meaning she wants to look and feel desirable when taking out hardened criminals on remote planets.

How to make a V-neck

1:13:22 It takes aeons for Captain Scruffy (Jordi Mollà as Santana) to open a safe they think is booby trapped, only to find Riddick has stolen their fuel cells. Wrong boobies, no trap.

1:16:11 Black man in a red shirt decides to investigate suspicious noises alone and without telling anyone where he’s going or why. Riddick catches him like syphilis.

1:16:34

Stooge: They’re scared of you.

Riddick: They’re scared of the wrong guy.

Apparently, this is all you need to say to convince the member of an elite team to give up his weapon. When they say ‘crack team’, they mean that’s what they smoke.

“He sunk my Battleship!”

1:22:14 The head of Team Professional, Boss Johns (Matt Nable), had a son who died in the original film and that’s why he’s been tracking down Riddick. Boss Johns is really angry, probably because he wanted to die in Pitch Black, too.

1:26:14 His dingo’s dead and Rid-dickhead is mad as a hornet institutionalised for anger management issues.

1:26:58 Riddick is captured and chained like a masochist in a Tory MP’s dungeon.

My Rid-dick in a box

1:27:43 Boss Johns is the father of the pilot who flew the craft in Pitch Black (the first Riddick film). Seriously, though, am I the only one who doesn’t remember the first one? I’ll give you a quid if you can tell me what happened. Leave a comment of less than 1000 words and I’ll send you a quid.

1:29:34 Why doesn’t Riddick want to tell him how his son died? Just to torture him? More ‘Dick’ than ‘Rid’ if you ask me.

1:33:23 The storm came and brought out a lot of scorpion dinosaur aliens. I could go into more detail but, like sex with a drunk, I just want to hurry up and get this over with.

“I’ve got a bone to pick with you.”

1:34:46

Whatever they are, they ain’t so hard to kill.

And then he’s killed. Supposed to be ironic but the real joke is the action scene where David Twohy hides his lack of talent by cutting so quickly we can’t focus.

1:37:00

I’m gonna go balls deep into Dahl, but only because you asked me to, sweet like.

Riddick explaining how they’re going to release him in 60 seconds and what will happen after

I’m very offended and I’m not even that into lesbians. At least, not so far.

1:38:57 Before they can unleash the big Riddick (not a euphemism), he kills Santana with his own machete, as promised.

1:40:19 They cut Riddick loose and make for the spaceships, firing on aliens in the night as they go. Reminds me of most of this film: a shot in the dark.

1:40:27 The cute boy is talking about how the angels are there protecting him. In film jargon, this is what we refer to as ‘famous last words’.

“You got some soap I can pick up?”

1:44:02 Nice 300 inspired slow motion shot.

1:47:56 Riddick digs up a fuel cell I thought was in the safe back at the camp because I lost interest in this an hour ago, when Vin Diesel did.

1:51:40 Johns and Riddick now must walk back to the ship with the fuel nodes, killing all the snake scorpion lizards in their path. What I find amusing is that it took Riddick half an hour of film to prepare himself and train his dingo dog to kill one and now he’s probably kicking himself for the wasted effort, as he’s slain scores of them here using just a stick.

1:52:44 Lol, Riddick was impaled by a giant stinger that broke off in his side and when he started to withdraw it, blood gushed forth so he pushed it back in to stop the bleeding. Cinema, not science.

1:53:20 WTF!? To give himself some time to steal a fuel node from Riddick’s corpse in the making, Johns used a grenade that blew dozens of monsters into alien hash. Dying Riddick is no doubt wondering why the plan didn’t start with that.

1:54:07 Lol, it took Johns less time to walk back with two fuel nodes than it did for them to fly there on Air Hogs.

1:55:06 Riddick happened upon some glowing hot rocks that were just lying around and he used then to cauterise his wound.

1:58:16 Just when it seems all hope is lost, the spaceship comes to rescue him in a literal Deus ex machina (‘machine of the gods’: when a hero is all but dead and then some unexpected miracle saves him or her). Before this, though, there’s a cool GIF of him on the crag fighting off aliens.

1:59:07 Dahl asks Riddick to copulate with her, because every fan boy knows that ‘lesbian’ in Cling-on means ‘waiting for the right geek’.

2:00:41 After Riddick and Johns fly off into the sunset, Riddick tries to set up a sequel by stabbing the Necromonger that stabbed him in the back in the back.

2:02:50 WTF!? In a move stolen from a 1970’s Fellini film, Riddick stares into a lava lamp space cloud and, in a voice-over, we hear the word ‘Transcendence’ before they cut to black and roll credits.

“Check out my back bone.”

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: Eye-spy 13
• When to Follow: When you miss 300, and don’t care about script or good acting or good directing, and you find you have an extra 2 hours added onto your life you don’t want.
• What To Feedback: Can you remind me of the pitch of Pitch Black in less than 1000 words? I’ll send you a quid…

All GIFs used in this review were created with the Imgflip online meme generator

Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

Geek Bait

“This planet smells like piss!”

Can’t pee with people watching

“Fricking 3-D Glasses!”

Having second thoughts about the new lamp

Put on too thick a coating of Rid-Dick

Prints suitable for reposting!

What to Follow Up

Fernby Films look at another Vin Diesel vehicle

Booze Revooze of “The Expendables”

WTF review of Resident Evil: Extinction

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