In order to properly dissect this movie, I shall be ripping its guts out. I’ll basically be re-telling the entire story, except better.
Read on if you’ve ever seen or will never see Shark Night.
The kind of movie I’ll hopefully love to hate. It looked a little like Piranha 3D from the poster but I’ve heard nothing but worse things about it since.
0:01:48 If the depth of the tongue in cheek is as profound as the opening credits, I’m in for a treat.
0:03:02 I guess I’m hoping for Sharks on a Plane.
0:03:18 The post-credit token attention grabbing death is a beach blonde. Clichés are the real danger in these waters.
0:07:12 Tulane University dorm. The big black jock who busted into the room isn’t going to beat up the bony white intellectual. It’s a false alarm. He’s gonna hug Whitey for tutoring him to a good grade. Watch out! Another cliché!
0:07:23 Told you.
0:09:57 A blacklete, his-panic girlfriend, a handsome stoner, a dork, a nerd, a brunette slut and a tormental blonde ditz are all off to weekend—together. This movie just shifted category—into Fantasy.
0:12:22 Hot brunette peeing in a public restroom, if you wanna go there.
0:21:16 I’m ready to make my official prediction of the first victim. But first, the cast:
1) Sweet innocent intellectual guy and male lead. Like a hot librarian before her glasses come off. He’ll live because he’s the hero.
2) Sexy blonde with a heart and hostess of the weekend. Won’t die because she’s the female lead and romantic interest.
3) Slutty brunette. Limited expiration date because she’s so fresh and has no morals.
4) Goofy amoral sidekick acting cooler than he would if this were reality because he’s a geek and always wears a hat. Teen hat wearers always have red shirts, though sidekicks get to die playing the hero.
5) Anonymous hot blond guy who we don’t know who he is or why he was invited. Plus, he’s a fifth wheel. His character’s name probably starts with “red shirt”.
6) Black athlete, loyal friend and boyfriend. His skin color and righteousness are a ticket to the climax of the movie.
7) His Hispanic gf. She has no real place in this movie other than to be a female presence after the slutty girl dies and to die just before her bf so he can sacrifice himself through grief.
My prediction for first to bite it, or being bitten rather, is #5.
0:23:37 A floating beer pong air mattress! How cool is that?
0:25:34 Nice, a shark fin pursuing the trick skiing black-lete and where did he learn how to do that already?
0:27:41 I was wrong about the victim! The black-lete lost his arm. At least they’re getting right into the violence. 90′s horror movies would have drug it out way too long.
0:30:46 They dive in to look for the lost arm? First of all, the guy’s arm would be floating and second of all it wouldn’t be floating either because the shark would have eaten it unless he’s a cruel, Nazi, fresh water shark who only wants people to suffer. Finally, the friend had no idea where the arm got chomped so it would be impossible for him to find it at the bottom of the massive lake.
0:31:29 Oh, it’s a saltwater lake. So I guess all of this *is* possible.
0:34:08 Good explosion with ridiculous 3D shrapnel when you’re watching this on a tablet.
0:34:24 Wrong again. #7 was the next to die. Looks like I underestimated the director’s haste to get rid of his tokens.
0:37:51 The trashy brunette wants to bail and I don’t mean the boat (I forgot to tell you the rednecks showed up in a boat). She will be punished for this sin.
0:38:48 Dennis, the redneck with a scarred face, got the scar because of Sarah (blonde female lead), I bet.
0:41:23 Crueler than the shark is the director making these people act. First crying over the dead girlfriend and now blondie has to tell the story of how Dennis got his scar because of her. The humanity! The torture! How can he do this to us?!
0:45:24 Who in the bloody hell let the one-armed black guy who’s lost half his blood get up out of bed and walk around the garden with a stick?
0:46:20 It would seem the director is on a mission to get rid of all his tokens by sending the young black man into the water to fight the shark. And I thought the rednecks in the pickup were the racists.
0:47:33 The one-armed black-lete really expects to fight a fish in a lake in the dark. It’s going to be difficult for me to be funnier than this.
0:47:59 Apparently lake sharks roar. Who knew?
0:50:12 So the one-armed jock drives a spear through the shark’s head and in the next scene the shark is on the other side of the lake as good as new. I am owed an explanation.
0:50:59 #4 gets eaten by a flying shark that picked him off the low branches of a tree.
0:51:07 After his best friend was busy not stopping the one-armed guy from fighting a fish in the middle of the night, finally the fifth wheel and female lead show up to pick up the pieces.
0:51:47 The explanation is there’s more than 1 shark that the rednecks put in the lake. And inserted video cameras into them. WTF!?
How much longer do you want to sit here and wait, huh?
This from the guy (#5 who, by some miracle, hasn’t made like a beef burrito and been eliminated yet) who was nowhere to be found when is buddy was wading in pitch black water to go fist to fin with a lake shark.
0:53:31 Where on his redneck body did the trashy brunette stab the him during the undress at gunpoint scene that he didn’t feel anything? Course now he’s bleeding so he’ll make good shark bait.
0:55:46 Good shark effects, though.
0:56:50 And there goes the trashy brunette.
0:58:00 I bet the sheriff is a bad guy too. Or perhaps I’m just smarter than the movie.
0:59:24 There goes #6, soon to be followed by #5.
1:00:27 The heroine just found out I was right about the sheriff. Apparently I’m no smarter than the movie, which is unsurprising yet still a little sad.
1:02:06 Extremely brilliant shark jumping out of the water and picking off the jet ski rider scene. As cool as it was impossible. Say goodbye to #5.
1:05:35 The mandatory bad guy explanation / confession to his victim. The bad guy sheriff just signed his own death warrant with that.
1:10:01 Rat “Round and Round”
1:11:02 There goes the sheriff. That’s what he gets for explaining his crimes.
1:12:23 Nick threw chum on the blonde in the shark cage. I guess this makes her a chum bucket.
1:13:06 Because these shark infected waters weren’t muddied enough with cliches, the good guy loses the upper hand because he refuses to shoot the evil bastards that have been torturing him for hours.
1:15:48 After a 9 minute fight under water where no one came up for air, the bad guy is eaten by a shark and the good guy saves the girl. Only one cliche left, and that’s where they show us sequel fodder in an ending as open as a sewer in Bombay.
1:16:16 Wow, I was right about everything except how gaping that lame ending was.
- WTF!?’s: 8
- When to Follow: The only time you should watch this is right before Piranha. Because Piranha is a so-so movie, but this one makes it look great.
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