WTF: Mission Impossible (1996)

Spoiler Alert:

Don’t read any further if you haven’t seen this movie. You’ll find out everything that happens and you won’t understand any of my super funny jokes.

Impossi-Bull

You won't believe what's holding him up

Starting this off early on a Sunday morning, waiting for the kids to wake up so I can send them home. This is a companion review to Al K Hall’s review of Mission: Impossible – Ghost Protocol so I can ride on his puke sodden coattails. Have you seen how many hits he gets in a day?

0:01:31 Is that Emilio Estevez? [It is, even if he remains uncredited to protect his Innocence: Impossible.]

0:02:37 Ah, Emmanuelle Béart. I used to have the biggest crush on her when she was young. #PreOp

Does this robe make my lips look big?

0:03:17 Did I know Brian de Palma directed this or did I just find out?

0:06:05 Smoking on airplanes… ah, the good old bad old days.

0:11:57 “Hannah” is so red shirted. She’s a blonde hottie but there’s a quota on hotties and Emmanuelle Béart is filling it. #ThatsWhatSheSaid

Eyes as big as your balls---and just as blue

0:16:32 Floppy discs! I do so love watching classic old movies on rainy Sunday mornings.

0:16:48 Ethan:

Saved your ass again, Jack.

Ethan / Tom Cruise just red shirted Jack / Emilio Estevez with 5 words.

0:18:18 You didn’t save Jack’s ass again that time, did you, Tom Cruise? #ToldYou

"Merry Christmas. It's fudge. I know how much you like to pack it."

The offspring have risen so I’m off to send them off.

And I’m continuing the review at 2:45 AM New Year’s Day because nothing spells celebration to me like working on a review for you, Dear Reader.

0:21:53 Why is it shot people always insist on staggering off bridges? Why don’t they just sit down and wait for help?

0:22:54 There’s Hannah’s red shirt, delivered as predicted and right on schedule.

0:33:36 Wow. The excitement is unbearable, the tension untenable. Tom Cruise is surfing on the net on his laptop. And it’s not even porn.

0:34:14 Now he’s reading the Bible. Ooh, I may never sleep again.

"Whoa! Scientologists beliveve that!?"

0:35:09 Writing an email at the moment. This movie’s as exciting as a day at my office.

It was late and there was a whole wad of nothing happening in the film so I started drifting off. Back in action now, at noon on the 1st.

0:35:37 LOL, the movie’s so boring even Tom Cruise is falling asleep in it as he types all those emails.

0:36:39 Emmanuelle Béart and her sexy French accent. She was so gorgeous PreOp.

"Will you at least wait until I die before you check out my boob?"

0:36:59 In M:I world they should greet each other by pulling their faces to prove it’s not a mask.

0:46:28

You find something personally important to him and you squeeze.

Wait, am I watching the right movie (and not Missionary Position: Impossible)?

0:52:08 The scene where they describe how impossible it is to penetrate the room. I prefer the Charlie’s Angels version of this.

0:52:10 Oh yeah, I know that actor who plays the nerdy controller. Because he was in a training video I use!

"I've got all 6 Star Wars movies on Blu-ray back at my place."

0:53:33 Nice the way they set up the famous drop of sweat scene with a drop of condensation.

Don't ask. You really don't want to know.

1:05:19 Even the famous infiltration scene is slower than I recall. Did De Palma really direct this or shall I “Talk to The Palma.”

1:12:27 No way Jean Reno should have thrown his disc away in the dust bin in front of Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise’s magic show was all show.

1:14:12 Told you. #predictable

"Very funny everybody, now where are my extra small condoms."

1:17:33 I despise the whole concept of the fake mask. If this is a fake John Voight, there’s no way his voice could be so perfect.

1:24:39 Weird, Emmanuelle Béart just seduced Tom Cruise’s hand. I guess it’s not masturbation if it’s someone else’s fingers.

1:25:42 The French TGV does look pretty cool.

Tom Cruise misunderstands "Sex on a Train"

1:39:52 Remind me to rant about how much I hate this concept of masks in M:I when I have more time. #years

1:33:32 John Voight shoots his wife but just beats up his friend. Looks like even in M:I it’s spies before pies.

1:37:34 Some nice action gimmicks like fighting on the TGV. Some stupid ones too, like a helicopter flying in a tunnel.

"Goddamn sausage breakfast burrito!"

Tally Ho’

• WTF!?’s: 3-4
• When to Follow: This is best saved for a Saturday afternoon when the kids are around studying for history lessons and you want to show them what obsolete stuff like Floppy Disks and the Bible were.
• What To Feedback: Add a caption to the following photo in the comments section for prizes!

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Left Over WTF (Way Too Funny) Photos

"Now look me in the eyes and tell me you're straight."

"The Queen and...Queen of France."

"Hmm, I wonder if this will be my last movie ever."

"Screw suviellance, The Breakfast Club is on cable."

"I must know! Where did you get that hat?"

"Damnit, Emmanuelle! There are two S's in 'Embassy'! Look at the board!"

"No, honey, it's not donkey porn! Now go back to bed, I'll be coming in a minute."

"I told you there was money to be made in donkey porn."

"What did you do to all my donkey porn?"

"His tool was this big compared to my mouth."

"Yo, babe, I'm over here."

"The big hand is on the 9 and the little hand..."

"Oui, oui...you are pregnant."

How to Hide a Boner: Lesson #1

"You SO do not look like Ray Charles."

What do you do after you *catch* a train?

"To a sequel."